when the stars go blue
by xsynthetic-smile
Summary: boy, you’re the crash that just hasn’t happened yet. [NAMIKU] [FOR GRAY RAIN SKIES]


**;xsyntheticsmile  
**xnamiku  
xone - shot  
xfor gray-rain skies  
(happy _early _birthday, hun)

- ¤ -

**w**hen the stars go blu**e** …

¨' °¤´·. ¸ - ¤ ¸´¨' .

_laughing with your pretty smile  
__laughing with your broken eyes  
laughing with your lover's tongue in a  
_**L U L L A B Y**

- ¤ -

**A**ngels fly, not fall in love.

This was a lesson she had to learn the hard way.

With her leg tucked beneath her and her eyes on a star, she lays her sketchbook out in front of her, taking in the sweet scent of her craft – the wooden pencils, those ashy erasures, the softness of the pages and the clean crispness of white that meets her steady gaze. Stark perfection, once unattainable and hidden behind childish scrawls, now spread out before her willingly, begging to be transformed into something even more exquisite.

Quietly, she ponders what to draw, thoughts flickering over thousands upon thousands of memories of which to dedicate to paper before disappearing completely. Somehow, somewhere, between her thoughts and reminiscing, she remembers things that were never really hers to begin with, memories of _another_, so vivid and so lifelike that they almost feel as if they could be. She remembers paopus and promises, sunsets and secrets, palm trees and ocean breeze, and within a few moments, she's already plotted out her design.

A boy and a girl, one silver, one yellow; both empty and heartless but somehow complete …

And she doesn't think she's ever seen anything more beautiful.

She isn't sure how this picture ever came to mind at a time like this (after all, she is supposed to be working – Sora's memories are only at 20 percent), but for some reason, she just can't stop herself. Hurried and rushed, she races against herself to fill up the page, tracing outlines and shadows and highlights and textures, anything and everything she can before her hand starts shaking from fatigue.

After a few moments, she pauses to appreciate her work, smiling at the thought of her latest creation. It's almost as though she's taken him and woven him right into the paper, from his cocky smirk and aqua eyes all the way down to the tiniest buckle on his oversized shoes. Her eyes then pan over to the other character, the spitting image of herself standing right beside, timid and reserved, but grinning all the same. Almost instantly, her mind gushes with memories of her own – times spent with this boy, and only him – without Sora, without Kairi, without the false pretenses of an island or stars or memories that should have, but never really existed. Just her and Riku. A time when they were all that mattered.

She remembers a time in-between love and defeat, wandering the lonely halls of Castle Oblivion without any knowledge other than her dark manipulation and wanting nothing more than the world outside. She remembers finding him once in Sora's memories and then meeting him in person just a few hours later, frustrated and bewildered and hating talking to thin air because it made him feel just a little schizophrenic. She remembers laughing when she realized he wasn't anything like she'd imagined at first – rude and arrogant – but rather, lost and trying only to hide it as best he could. She remembers wondering if he could be her guardian angel and hoping that one day, he would be.

She remembers wanting that more than anything.

And as time moved on, as he started to heal and she started to laugh and both of them started to feel something they never had before, she knows she almost had it.

She just forgot one thing.

Angels don't fall in love.

She remembers falling for him at hello, and crying for him when he didn't say goodbye.

And as her pencils crash to the ground and her once picture-perfect masterpiece shreds between her fingers, she knows that somehow, she shouldn't care this much, but that still isn't enough to stop the tears from falling.

Not because she didn't expect it. Not because she didn't know it was going to happen.

Just because she couldn't do anything to stop him.

All she knows is that one day he was there and the next he wasn't and the next and the next and so on and so forth until one day she just stopped waiting only to find that he'd come back a long time ago – just not in the way she'd hoped.

Because without her even realizing it, silver turned to grey, aqua to amber, and hope into shadows in a desperate thirst for power.

She remembers calling out his name from a distance, and getting a growl in return.

"I'm not Riku. It's Ansem."

And suddenly, her small, insignificant world became even smaller.

She wonders if maybe, everything she'd felt and everything she'd dreamed had been nothing more than an illusion, some sick fantasy she played on herself because that's what she was good at. Lying. Pretending.

After all, how could they learn to love when his heart was filled with darkness and she didn't have any heart to begin with?

She thinks about him often now, over and over again, and sometimes she doesn't even realize she's doing it until she feels the tears in her eyes, bitter and salty and staining her once perfect pages, soaking them all the way through. But somehow she knows it won't change anything and no matter what she does or how hard she tries, it never, ever will.

He's right there in front of her, but he's never coming back.

Because angels fly.

They don't fall in love.

And she can't help but feel it's all just a little bit heartless.

- ¤ -

_dancing out on seventh street  
__dancing through the underground  
__dancing little marionette; are you  
_**H A P P Y N O W ?**

¨' °¤´·. ¸ - ¤ ¸´¨' .

**xfini.**

- ¤ -

**a**uthor's notable**s**:

¤this is my first namiku. betcha couldn't tell, huh? ;3  
(& psst .. g, i have to admit you've converted me. namiku is officially squee-worthy. :D)  
¤on that note, this one goes out to **gray-rain skies**. hope you have a kick-ass birthday, dear. happy sixteenth!  
-and to all of you who haven't read her works, READ THEM DAMNIT. 'cause she's an excellent writer and she's cool like that. she and i started up in this fandom around the same time and we've been reading/reviewing each other's works ever since (and my my my, haven't we improved? xD). so yeah, read them or i'll bite you. i mean it.  
¤inspired by way too many things  
-lyrics from "when the stars go blue" by tyler hilton & "don't fly away" by too sorry for apologies  
-written while listening to the aforementioned songs, along with "here in your arms" by hellogoodbye, "lights" by goodnight city, "the only thing that matters" by spitalfield, & "falling for you" by ronnie day  
-pairing research done through wikipedia, youtube, ffn's search engine, and this one namiku lj comm i found the other day ('cause, you know, i haven't actually played CoM yet. o.O;; -gets trampled by rabid elitists-)  
¤beta'd by emi lulu & ninja.butterfliie. sanks tons! 8D  
¤reviews make me one happy bunny.

_love always,_  
xsyntheticsmile


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